I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize