my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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