If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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