i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
