I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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