If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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