I cannot find my penis.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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