We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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