Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
