the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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