So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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