the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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