I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
