It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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