I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
