I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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