my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
