I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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