Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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