Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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