The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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