you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
