A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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