some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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