Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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