i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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