why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
