He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
