Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
