ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
