We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
