Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to sanitize my soul.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
