Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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