I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
