Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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