one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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