you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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