why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
