Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
