I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
