I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
