you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
