Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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