Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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