So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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