i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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