I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
