I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
