You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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