The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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