drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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