just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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