apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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