He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
