FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
