Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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