I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
