I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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