fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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