was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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