Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
