batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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