the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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