After last night, I could never be a politician.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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