So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
