I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
