Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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