Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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