I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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